04.30.08
“American Beauty” and getting it.
Last Saturday, Chaz and I were at his place watching movies. One of the ones we watched was “American Beauty” with Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening.
But, it’s not the dysfunctional family that Spacey, Bening, and Thora Birch (as their daughter, Jane) portray that’s the main thrust of this film. It’s the message.
Nothing is what it appears on the outside. There’s always something deeper that no one but a few people catch the first time.
One of the characters was a young man in his late teens who made movies with a handheld camera of what other people think are weird subjects. He had a beat down mother and a fanatical ex Marine father who expected his son to be everything he (the father) was not. Whatever that was. The kid, Ricky, also had a very lucrative pot business on the side that his father had no idea about.
One day, he showed Jane some of his movies, and one was of a plastic bag floating around in a cyclonic mass of air. His narrative describes the action in part
…this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.
Just then, I got it. I’ve been like that my whole life. Seeing things beyond what is presented. I’ve always seen things in color, clarity, and notice little things that other people just can’t or won’t see. Like my ability to see beyond a path in a painting where it leaves the frame. Where does the path lead? Then I let my imagination take over, run riot, come up with possibilities that even the artist hadn’t thought of.
Yes, I get it. All the beauty and the ugly in this world. The most beautiful things can be so ugly (like a beautiful woman with an unpleasant demeanor), and conversely, the ugliest things can be so beautiful.
Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. You just have to choose what you want to see.
That’s all from where I sit on the Big blue Couch.
04.28.08
Graduation
This Friday, I’ll be getting my Associate’s degree.
Last month, I met an amazing man.
Three years ago, I met my best friend.
Six years ago, I thought I was in love.
I’ve learned so much in the last 6 years. I don’t allow people to rule my emotions so much. I don’t let people use me until I outlast my usefulness, only to be cast aside. I don’t care what other people think about what I do, what I think, what I look like, or who I spend time with.
All those years wasted. And for what?
I like who I am and what I’ve become. I don’t have a ton of friends, but the ones I do have I treasure.
And that’s how life is supposed to be.
Except for one thing.
I’d love to get another radio job. I don’t care if it’s on the air or behind the scenes. I just want to work in radio where I live, and not have to move to another state. Right now, I need to stay where I am.
It’s where all the fun is.
That’s all from where I sit on the Big Blue Couch.
04.08.08
Weird dreams: from Stef’s Crazy Life
(I posted this on my other blog.)
I managed to sleep through the storms last night, but I had the weirdest recurring dream.
It’s trying to tell me something, but damned if I know what it is.
The dream is always the same. There’s me, then there’s these two guys. One guy is apparently well off and can do things at the drop of a hat if he chooses to. He always mentions that he paid for my over the top wedding (which in reality I didn’t have) and has a close friendship with a woman who, in the dream is supposed to be my mother, but my mother is NOTHING like this woman is. She’s shallow, cares about what people think, has little regard for my feelings or anyone else’s (my God, she’s Hyacinth Bucket, um “Bookay”!).
Then there’s this other guy, who likes me for me, would do anything for me, and is trying to get me away from Hyacinth, er, “Mom” and her “friend” with all the money. But somehow, he always is one step behind the “dastardly duo”.
Mr. Fancy Ass and Hyacinth have flown me to India (why there? Beats me!). I thought I was going to Australia, so when I hear that we’re landing in India, I, of course, freak out. And, of course, Mr. Fancy Ass is there to meet me. I protest that I’m supposed to meet Mr. Nice Guy in Sydney. Mr. Fancy Ass says that Mother (aka Hyacinth) wanted me to come to India to soak up the local culture, which in my mind has me thinking that she’s trying to set me up with some rich Indian dude, and I so don’t want that.
Fancy Ass has given me money (a debit card with an astronomical amount of money on it), so I slip away from his watchful eyes, somehow get back to the airport and book a flight to Sydney. By the time Fancy Ass figures out what I’ve done, I’m long gone.
Nice Guy meets me in Sydney, and we go to the American Embassy and state that I’ve been taken out of the US against my will (because I knew I had a plane ticket to Sydney when I got on the flight that eventually went to India). I tell an embassy official the story, how my ticket was switched, and how this rich friend of my mother’s, at her request, spirited me off to someplace I had no intention of going. Since I am an adult, they embassy official takes my story elsewhere to get me some help.
While all this is going on, Mother Dearest shows up in Australia. She doesn’t want me to be with Nice Guy for some reason, but wants me to be with Fancy Ass (turns out he’s the one with the hots for me). She doesn’t know where in Australia I am until Interpol arrests her for kidnapping and other charges.
Nice Guy and I escape Australia and head back to the USA, where I take over all of Fancy Ass’ wealth.
(I said this was a weird dream, didn’t I?)
My question is, what the hell does it mean?! I’ve had it more than once recently. And, no, I haven’t been smoking, drinking, or injecting anything funny.
Maybe I’m just tired of all the uncertainty in my life as of late.
That’s all from the Big Blue Couch.
–MorelaterZ–
